Im back :S

Ok, well soz bout not writing for quite a long time...
Umm, I decided to post again cos i think that it important for me to carry on with my life. Over the time that i haven't been posting, ive realised that my problems run deeper than i thought. And its not just the uncertainty about my sexuality.. its pretty much everything.

Uhh, where do i start? How bout home? Shouldnt home be the one place where you can feel safe, where you can feel that theres someone there for you? Well, with me its not =/ Now, i know i would be silly to say that i have a bad family - were fairly rich, go to good school, eventually get pretty much what i want... but you see, whats missing is happiness. Cos for fuks sake what does it mean to have an ipod or a psp if they dont make you happy? And what does it mean to have parents if they dont undrstand you and follow set guideline sthat they think are right?

You see, my parents are obsessed with my safety. Literally. Or maybe thats just an excuse to say no to anything thats more dangerous than a pencil. Where do i begin? Umm how about the fact that i couldnt play 16+ videogames until i was 16? Ok, no big deal you say. FAir enuf. But its like that with everything. Everything that i want to get is just another excuse to piss me off. Want an ipod - lets make a big fuss out of it (ie. sumfing like, we have it, we were meant to give it to you, but ur behaviour is bad, so we wont give it to you,well have to give it back - they ended up gigving it to me in the end). And its like this with everything. Literally. And even when i have the money raised to get something, theyll make it very clear just how meaningless and pointless they regard that item i want to be. Those wrahammer figures would be one example lol. Its funny really. I had to beg them to go to a shop that sells em, only for my dad to keep on giving me dirty looks when i was choosing, and he kept on glancing at his watch saying how late it was. But you know what? I had fun when i painted and glued them little fucking things together - for a while. Cos then i accidentaly got some paint on my desk and they went all mental and locked all my warhammer stuff away for 6 months, after which i couldnt be bothered to take up that hobby again. Its so fucking furstrating. Living within a nice house, but not being able to do anything. You see, if they let me get something, its usually so that they can take it away as a punishment for something, or use it as a blackmail - you behave bad we take it away. You might think this is minor, but combined with someone whos going thru a hard time mentally u get a problem. And then even when im allowed to use stuff, theres more rules. Only 2 hours of xbox per day. Omg cmon! I mean i barely even play during weekdays, and they wont even let me play longer during weekends - cos somewhere they read that 14hrs+ gaming a week is an addiciton. Only das if i played 2hrs every day, which i dont. Geez its so boring i swear. Oh, and did i mention that gaming time includes web browisng too? Its insane.

I could go on about this forever - theres so many examples. The most recent one, would be them threating me to give back my pet if i didnt stop listening to my ipod in a museum. Why? Cos its rude to have headphones on in a museum - even tho every fucking person had em on cos of that audio guide thingy. Just imagine that, ha. Knowing that theres really no point getting anything other than clothes cos it'll simply get taken away. Not that im allowed to wear my clothes wenever i want - apparently most of em are unsuitable - OFC theyre not, if they cared to look at teengares today - wearing your jeans slightly lower than your belly button IS normal.

And its so sad, living in this sad, sad bubble of pretence. Cos they wnat me to be someone im not - a well mannered, lovely child who does watever they want. Well perhaps i coudl do the obediant bit if they ever cared for what i wanted. Cos u see, its gotten to a point wer im not allowed to go to parties unless they have the phone number of the PARENTS whose house it is, and the adress, so that they can make sure its alright with them. But thing is, houseparties are almost enver ran in the presence of parents, and even if, im in no position to ask my m8s to get the phone number of someonee's parents if i dont even know them. Which has led to a ridiculous thing where ive had to turn down quite a few invites, without telling the rtuth, and now i never get invited (cos everyon knows ill have some excuse lol). So im now this sad, sad person who sits at home during weekends and has nothing to do. Oh except 2hrs of xbox lmao.

But thats not the funniest yet. The funniest is probably my [arents making all sorts of remakrs about me not having a girlfirend. Ahaha. How ironic. Theyre like 'u go to an allboys skool, how are u gonna meet girls' loool. Well maybe, just maybe, if they had any brains theyd know that if i cud go to a party i cold meet some there. Now before you ask, i do know girls. Its just that its only ones that i meet during the summer, and even then my rnets dont know about them lol. Cos i know what theyre like and how akward it would be to invite any of em home. Haha, i remembr last summer when my mum learned from this teacher that ran a summer camp from school that i had a gf, and my mum was like ' y didnt u tell me?'. Cos u wudnt care, and maybe u dont desrve to know - was the real answer. But i didnt say it. I sed sumfing like cos u dont have the rite attitude to my firends. And she went all ballistic lol. But uh anyways, the gf ended up to be a bitch lol for reasons which i care not to explain, so we split up afte rlike 3 weeks lmao - nothing beats a summer love. =]

And its been same this year - ive met lots of ppl who im hopefully gonna meet up wiv soon - but my rents dont hav a clue about any of em - they dont even care - they just know ill b meeting soem freidns from the summer - all during borad daylight hours, for safety reasons of course lol.

So uhh, me and my parents rarely talk about any part of my life really. Just the hows school - good exchange daily is pretty much it. And they fink im doing it on purpose, avoiding conversation - but what is there to tell? How was school then? It was great, a mate invited me to a party but i had to say im busy cos i knew i wudnt be able to come, i was feeling lonely like fuck, and oh im suicidal. How was your day then?...

And wehereas i had a decent enough socail life in school, its now detreiorate greatly. People i got along wiv now kinda drifted away, so im elft with only a few close ones, and a few who hate my guts as well :S Just great. How am i different from them? i mean i just cant see it. i really cant. What makes me so horrible that they dont like me (no one knows bout my problmes). Cos during the summer, when i get a fresh start, people love me, they really do - which makes it all the worse. I love summertime cos i can be normal then - and hear peopel speak what they really think you know - like this summer we had a few boys in our room nd then everyones like whos the fittest there (in terms of girls liking us ;) ) and most people said me and this toher guy. Dont get me wrong im not bragging, im saying that i guess if i wanted i could get a gf.

Which brings me onto this... Is it deeply down my parents' fault for me being who i am? Is it beacuse the home they provide is a shit one, one where ive got no one to realte to? Or is it cos they make geting a socail life so difficult? Or maybe its that they dont give a shit about me, they just want me to be perfect?

God, if only you knew how lonely i feel right now... help?