Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Wtf?
Zomg im still in a cba mood and its driving me nuts :S I literally cant be asked to do anything... Nothing seems enjoyable anymore... Wtf is going on? I think tis depression period again... Ive got tons of hw to do and yet i just dont feel like doing it, screw hw ill do it at school... Ive just been surfing the net for hours for no reason at all, going to google news, ign etc zomg im so bored... Played some cod4 but got bored of that too :s started realising that ive got nowhere enough money for a car or moped and that theres no way i can get it :s
Its really weird, its as if im not really in myb ody anymore, i just walk, eat etc, without thinking about what im doing - its scary. Tried sleeping but didnt work, so now ive just been listening to my ipod and drumming with my feet as loud as i could which pissed my parents of lol. As if i care =D My best m8 never come onto msn so i dunno if somethigs wrong or wat (he changed his phone no :S )... Ayayaya im screwed, i really dont wanna go to skool 2moz cos i know i wont be able to focus on anything... Someone help!
Its really weird, its as if im not really in myb ody anymore, i just walk, eat etc, without thinking about what im doing - its scary. Tried sleeping but didnt work, so now ive just been listening to my ipod and drumming with my feet as loud as i could which pissed my parents of lol. As if i care =D My best m8 never come onto msn so i dunno if somethigs wrong or wat (he changed his phone no :S )... Ayayaya im screwed, i really dont wanna go to skool 2moz cos i know i wont be able to focus on anything... Someone help!
This year im looking forward too
Lol i thought this would be cool. At the end of the year ill go back to this list and see how many things ive been able to do =D
-get either rock band/guitar hero world tour xD
-get a new phone
-get a car/moped. Oh and a driving license too.
-learn some neat card tricks
-get better at picking locks
-get lvl 55 in cod4
-find someone to love meh
-get in touch with old friends
-survive one of my best mates moving to a different country :S
-design my own clothing line (my secret dream)
-do someothing with my hair lol
-figure out how to use adsense on my blog :X keep on getting error with my email dress meh. Anyone got any dieas?
-learn how to play guitar
-get into the fottball team at school :/
-sort my life out
Hehe there u have it lol ill add on to this when i think of someting ^^
-get either rock band/guitar hero world tour xD
-get a new phone
-get a car/moped. Oh and a driving license too.
-learn some neat card tricks
-get better at picking locks
-get lvl 55 in cod4
-find someone to love meh
-get in touch with old friends
-survive one of my best mates moving to a different country :S
-design my own clothing line (my secret dream)
-do someothing with my hair lol
-figure out how to use adsense on my blog :X keep on getting error with my email dress meh. Anyone got any dieas?
-learn how to play guitar
-get into the fottball team at school :/
-sort my life out
Hehe there u have it lol ill add on to this when i think of someting ^^
My thoughts about myeslf, and about what were all missing.
When i woke up today, i started thinking about myelf and stuff. And then this thought crossed my mind - how do i know that im actually gay/bi? And after quite some time i realised that this question is quite a problem.
First i considered the varaint that im not gay/bi. Ok, so why would i be having some of the thoughts that im having? Then i realised it could be a) because of the type of pron tht ive been watching and b) because of my closest enviroment (an all boys school) and c)because of lonelyness
So to make things simple, i start watching gay porn, then i get moved into an enviroment that is closely connected with that type of porn and so i feel weird and lonely not wanting what i shud do.
Then i though what if im actually gay. BUt how can i know? I havent been in a relationship with a guy (at least he wasnt aware of it), and ive never kissed a guy etc. So what makes me think im gay? Surely, if i go and start kissing guys and getting involved just to find out, my mind will end up accepting that as normal (like what happened with the porn). I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do if ure unsure about ure sexuality is to get involved with some1 of the same sex.
Which made me consider my options.
a) I could continue telling myself im gay/bi , and end up in a relationship that i wasnt fully approving of, and actually end up being gay
b)continue living my double life, remaining 'hidden' and thus not allowing myself to get involved with either boys or girls, leaving me even more lonely.
c)Drop the gay/bi mindset and just find someone i can really relate to, and yes im thinking of a girl.
Why? because maybe im not bi/gay - maybe im just a very lonely person, who needs someone next to him.
Then i also considered how easy/difficult it would be to do each of the above, and how the easyness/difficulty of it would affect my life.
a) Finding a boy that i would really find attractive and whod be gay also would be extremely hard. If i tried the easy option and just went for anyone, it would be a relationship for the sake of it, which would be pointless. Theres also no guarantee that i wouldnt get involved with some fuck-up who'd just want to use me.
b)Being secretive is hard too - i know cos ive been doing it for quite a while now. Not only is it hard, it also makes me feel like shit sometimes and has left me seriously considering suicide several times.
c)Fidning a girl thats also looking for a long-time relationship will be hard but: it would help me sort myself out, would give me a kind of moral support and let me forget. It would be very unlikely that a girl would try to use me lol.
Ok so as uve probably noticed im going for option c). Why? Because im not sure what i really am, but if i made the mistake of trying to find out in a practical way (and probably the only one available, actually) i would have to stick to that choice, whether i liked it or not.
What this thinking has made me realise is that the real problem in our society might not actually be the lack of acceptance for gay/bi/different people. No, not at all. What i think is the issue is the modern mindset. What were all lacking is love. Hes gone nuts, i can hear you say. Well think about it.
I think that the lack of people actually wanting love is the main problem were facing. It is so often the case that all teenagers seek these days is to have sex or to get off with someone. And no im not saying i havent done it, or that i think its bad. What im saying is that perhaps somewhere along the line weve lost the knowledge of what we actually need.
Im mean sure, yeah getting laid is nice, as is snogging etc. BUt that only satisfies the physical side of us, and our lust, a primary and almost animal-like instinct. From my own experience i know that when i was youger, sex was the only think i coulve wanted. I thought that when the time would come, id do it no matter what. But you know what? When the time came, i was scared, literally scared not knowing what to do. In the end i decided not to have full intercourse, simply because i knew that i wouldve felt bad about it/ i wasnt ready. And even aftre snogging/getting a hj/bj i felt a bit bad. I mean, yeah sure it was nice, but something was missing. That somethng was love. You see, thats because my relationship with that girl was not based on love - it was ll pretence.
Oh and btw i might have shocked you by saying it was a girl.. Sowwy didnt mean to. BUt truth be told, its not like i find girls unatractive. And yes, i do like em, which only made my problemns worse lol.
Anyways, back to the subject. Nowadays, modern teenagers are so used to basing realtionships on sex/lust that they accept it as normal. To be completely honest i think that wrong. I thought that sex should be a follow on of love and not vice versa. Because of this mindest, teenagers are only looking for sex. Thats why its so hard to get into a proper longer realtionship, and thats why we feel so lonely sometimes. Its because theres no-one out there whos looking for the same thing as i am. When i do get in a relationship i can say that i wont be in it for sex. I need someone to talk to, someone whod share my interests, someone whod care. Not someone who wants to be with me only cos im fit, or because my clothes are nice. Someone wholl actually love me because of who i am, nto because of what i represent.
Anyways, this is no way finished - i ve still got lots to think about, and ill keep posting so dw. Ive only touched upon the idea of the lack of love - i think that by fully exploring that i might be able to find out more about who i am and what i need. And sorry to dissapoint all o those who were hoping for an easy bang :X
First i considered the varaint that im not gay/bi. Ok, so why would i be having some of the thoughts that im having? Then i realised it could be a) because of the type of pron tht ive been watching and b) because of my closest enviroment (an all boys school) and c)because of lonelyness
So to make things simple, i start watching gay porn, then i get moved into an enviroment that is closely connected with that type of porn and so i feel weird and lonely not wanting what i shud do.
Then i though what if im actually gay. BUt how can i know? I havent been in a relationship with a guy (at least he wasnt aware of it), and ive never kissed a guy etc. So what makes me think im gay? Surely, if i go and start kissing guys and getting involved just to find out, my mind will end up accepting that as normal (like what happened with the porn). I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do if ure unsure about ure sexuality is to get involved with some1 of the same sex.
Which made me consider my options.
a) I could continue telling myself im gay/bi , and end up in a relationship that i wasnt fully approving of, and actually end up being gay
b)continue living my double life, remaining 'hidden' and thus not allowing myself to get involved with either boys or girls, leaving me even more lonely.
c)Drop the gay/bi mindset and just find someone i can really relate to, and yes im thinking of a girl.
Why? because maybe im not bi/gay - maybe im just a very lonely person, who needs someone next to him.
Then i also considered how easy/difficult it would be to do each of the above, and how the easyness/difficulty of it would affect my life.
a) Finding a boy that i would really find attractive and whod be gay also would be extremely hard. If i tried the easy option and just went for anyone, it would be a relationship for the sake of it, which would be pointless. Theres also no guarantee that i wouldnt get involved with some fuck-up who'd just want to use me.
b)Being secretive is hard too - i know cos ive been doing it for quite a while now. Not only is it hard, it also makes me feel like shit sometimes and has left me seriously considering suicide several times.
c)Fidning a girl thats also looking for a long-time relationship will be hard but: it would help me sort myself out, would give me a kind of moral support and let me forget. It would be very unlikely that a girl would try to use me lol.
Ok so as uve probably noticed im going for option c). Why? Because im not sure what i really am, but if i made the mistake of trying to find out in a practical way (and probably the only one available, actually) i would have to stick to that choice, whether i liked it or not.
What this thinking has made me realise is that the real problem in our society might not actually be the lack of acceptance for gay/bi/different people. No, not at all. What i think is the issue is the modern mindset. What were all lacking is love. Hes gone nuts, i can hear you say. Well think about it.
I think that the lack of people actually wanting love is the main problem were facing. It is so often the case that all teenagers seek these days is to have sex or to get off with someone. And no im not saying i havent done it, or that i think its bad. What im saying is that perhaps somewhere along the line weve lost the knowledge of what we actually need.
Im mean sure, yeah getting laid is nice, as is snogging etc. BUt that only satisfies the physical side of us, and our lust, a primary and almost animal-like instinct. From my own experience i know that when i was youger, sex was the only think i coulve wanted. I thought that when the time would come, id do it no matter what. But you know what? When the time came, i was scared, literally scared not knowing what to do. In the end i decided not to have full intercourse, simply because i knew that i wouldve felt bad about it/ i wasnt ready. And even aftre snogging/getting a hj/bj i felt a bit bad. I mean, yeah sure it was nice, but something was missing. That somethng was love. You see, thats because my relationship with that girl was not based on love - it was ll pretence.
Oh and btw i might have shocked you by saying it was a girl.. Sowwy didnt mean to. BUt truth be told, its not like i find girls unatractive. And yes, i do like em, which only made my problemns worse lol.
Anyways, back to the subject. Nowadays, modern teenagers are so used to basing realtionships on sex/lust that they accept it as normal. To be completely honest i think that wrong. I thought that sex should be a follow on of love and not vice versa. Because of this mindest, teenagers are only looking for sex. Thats why its so hard to get into a proper longer realtionship, and thats why we feel so lonely sometimes. Its because theres no-one out there whos looking for the same thing as i am. When i do get in a relationship i can say that i wont be in it for sex. I need someone to talk to, someone whod share my interests, someone whod care. Not someone who wants to be with me only cos im fit, or because my clothes are nice. Someone wholl actually love me because of who i am, nto because of what i represent.
Anyways, this is no way finished - i ve still got lots to think about, and ill keep posting so dw. Ive only touched upon the idea of the lack of love - i think that by fully exploring that i might be able to find out more about who i am and what i need. And sorry to dissapoint all o those who were hoping for an easy bang :X
Saturday, 20 September 2008
Wtf is goin on?
Meh ill keep this brief. But anyways, yesterday the wierdest thing happened =X i was at home and i didnt feel like doing anything :S I tried everything: music, xbox, internet etc - but i found that everything was boring. Its not the first time dat i dnt feel like doing anything but dats been the most severe case yet. Wtf is going on?
Friday, 19 September 2008
Made me sad =[
Anyways i thought that i mite share this with you. Well today i saw a film about Martin Luther. If you didn't know, he was a monk/lawyer who challenged the catholic churche's viewpoints (mainly regarding them being greedy). Anyways, long story short, near the beginning of the film, Luther fails at performing a mass, and he is really sad after it. His fellow monk/priest asks him 'Martin, what is it that you seek?'. He replies 'I seek a merciful God, a God who loves me'. His preist freind walks away and Martin mutters 'I am yours, save me'.
When i saw this I was very close to crying. Of course, Luther was talking about something else, but the similarity is striking. A while back, after getting confirmed (which I didnt wanna do anyway) I decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore. Seeing as my family takes all matters of religion seriously, it wasn't easy, and they still don't like the idea.
Since its been over a year since my decision, Ive had loads of time to think about God, and whether he exists, and if he does in what form. You see, you can say im foolish for dropping out, but just hear me out. I think that if God does exist, he wouldn't be in the form that most religions portray him. I believe he would not come down to earth in any form. I think hed be shapeless, and you wouldnt be able to see him - you could only feel his presence. I guess the closest to this is buddhism.
But as you may have worked out at the moment i don't believe. Why? Well firstly, i believe that if there was a god, he either
-teach that love is right in whatever form, be it hetero or homosexual
-if homosexual love was wrong he wouldn't allow people to be born as homosexuals or turn into them
See my problem is he doesnt do either. Apparently, love is the most important thing in christianity. Well it would appear that theres quite a few 'buts' attached. No sex before marriage (oops), no contraception, no co-habitation, no being gay/lesbian. See what the hell does being bi/gay/str8 have anything to do with God loving me or not? Isnt god meant to be fair and not to discriminate? Well then surely the rules that the modermn church puts out go against this? Personally, I wouldnt mind believing in God.
See at first, I just thought that God was alright, it was the church that added all the rules and said what theyve said. But then it hit me. So why would he allow me to be who I am? And this is not only a problem regarding homosexuality - its the reason why many are agnostic/atheist. The idea is that God is (apparently) omnisicent (all-knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and omnibenevolent (all loving). However, why do natural disasters occur, and why does god let them happen? Hes either doesnt know about it, has no power to prevent it, or he doesnt love us enough to care. Nice choice, huh?
Another thing is that hes let me down so many times. When i was down and i still believed, i prayed for things to get vetter, and yet nothing happened. Was god there for me when i was suicidal? no my closest mate was (but he doesnt live in the uk). Did god ever try to help me out when i was in trouble, when the amount of problems i had was to much to handle? Don't think so.
Its hard to write like this/about stuff like this. If this were just a diary kept every day, it would be easy. But writing about your own beliefs and giving reasons for your thinking is a bit different. it means that there isn't really an oraganised structure to it. So basically, youll find me referring to my beliefs about god thorughout this blog. I can't simply gather all my thoughts at once and organise em as i want =/ Soz in advance =]
So what do I believe in? I belive that there is no God. That we are here by pure chance. That evolution (survival of the fittest) has led to us, humans being on top. Religion is merely an attempt to block the reality of us being alone out of our heads. It is also a great way for certain people to abuse power and to set out moral codes for society based on their own beliefs under the label of god.
I believe that what we physically do depends entirely on us. However, our mind is already pre-set before birth (not by god by the mix and match of DNA). Therefore, although we can do whatever we want in a physical sense, it is our pre set morality that determines which of these actions were most likely to undertake. Think of our ability to do anything as of a full circle, 360 degrees. Our pre-set mind limits ths area of the cirlce that well use to about half, 180 degrees. When we grow up, the influence of our society (ie parents, religion, nearest friends) further reduces this cirle to 90 degrees. I believe thats why some people are bron gay and some arent. If, for example, youre born with 90 degress of the 180 degrees being gay related, than theres a 1/2 chance of you being gay from birth. So if your early life experience reduces the 180 to the 90 which codes for being gay then there you have it . If on the other hand you have 45 out of 180 degrees of being gay you might be gay as youre growing up if society reduces the 180 degress to the 90 containing the 45 degrees of homosexuality.
I know that this is kinda hard to understand, but draw it out and ull (hopefully) get it. Thats it for now.
When i saw this I was very close to crying. Of course, Luther was talking about something else, but the similarity is striking. A while back, after getting confirmed (which I didnt wanna do anyway) I decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore. Seeing as my family takes all matters of religion seriously, it wasn't easy, and they still don't like the idea.
Since its been over a year since my decision, Ive had loads of time to think about God, and whether he exists, and if he does in what form. You see, you can say im foolish for dropping out, but just hear me out. I think that if God does exist, he wouldn't be in the form that most religions portray him. I believe he would not come down to earth in any form. I think hed be shapeless, and you wouldnt be able to see him - you could only feel his presence. I guess the closest to this is buddhism.
But as you may have worked out at the moment i don't believe. Why? Well firstly, i believe that if there was a god, he either
-teach that love is right in whatever form, be it hetero or homosexual
-if homosexual love was wrong he wouldn't allow people to be born as homosexuals or turn into them
See my problem is he doesnt do either. Apparently, love is the most important thing in christianity. Well it would appear that theres quite a few 'buts' attached. No sex before marriage (oops), no contraception, no co-habitation, no being gay/lesbian. See what the hell does being bi/gay/str8 have anything to do with God loving me or not? Isnt god meant to be fair and not to discriminate? Well then surely the rules that the modermn church puts out go against this? Personally, I wouldnt mind believing in God.
See at first, I just thought that God was alright, it was the church that added all the rules and said what theyve said. But then it hit me. So why would he allow me to be who I am? And this is not only a problem regarding homosexuality - its the reason why many are agnostic/atheist. The idea is that God is (apparently) omnisicent (all-knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and omnibenevolent (all loving). However, why do natural disasters occur, and why does god let them happen? Hes either doesnt know about it, has no power to prevent it, or he doesnt love us enough to care. Nice choice, huh?
Another thing is that hes let me down so many times. When i was down and i still believed, i prayed for things to get vetter, and yet nothing happened. Was god there for me when i was suicidal? no my closest mate was (but he doesnt live in the uk). Did god ever try to help me out when i was in trouble, when the amount of problems i had was to much to handle? Don't think so.
Its hard to write like this/about stuff like this. If this were just a diary kept every day, it would be easy. But writing about your own beliefs and giving reasons for your thinking is a bit different. it means that there isn't really an oraganised structure to it. So basically, youll find me referring to my beliefs about god thorughout this blog. I can't simply gather all my thoughts at once and organise em as i want =/ Soz in advance =]
So what do I believe in? I belive that there is no God. That we are here by pure chance. That evolution (survival of the fittest) has led to us, humans being on top. Religion is merely an attempt to block the reality of us being alone out of our heads. It is also a great way for certain people to abuse power and to set out moral codes for society based on their own beliefs under the label of god.
I believe that what we physically do depends entirely on us. However, our mind is already pre-set before birth (not by god by the mix and match of DNA). Therefore, although we can do whatever we want in a physical sense, it is our pre set morality that determines which of these actions were most likely to undertake. Think of our ability to do anything as of a full circle, 360 degrees. Our pre-set mind limits ths area of the cirlce that well use to about half, 180 degrees. When we grow up, the influence of our society (ie parents, religion, nearest friends) further reduces this cirle to 90 degrees. I believe thats why some people are bron gay and some arent. If, for example, youre born with 90 degress of the 180 degrees being gay related, than theres a 1/2 chance of you being gay from birth. So if your early life experience reduces the 180 to the 90 which codes for being gay then there you have it . If on the other hand you have 45 out of 180 degrees of being gay you might be gay as youre growing up if society reduces the 180 degress to the 90 containing the 45 degrees of homosexuality.
I know that this is kinda hard to understand, but draw it out and ull (hopefully) get it. Thats it for now.
On my ipod...
On a more bright note i decided to put some of my favourite songs with explanations why i like em, and choosing out the lyrics that mean a lot to me.
1.Fountains of Wayne - All kinds of time
This song is so peacefull and serene i jsut luv it =] It means a lot to me cos I sometimes feel like i got all kinds of time to try nd figure myself out, and yet i cant do it.
2.Beatles - Twist and shout - just such a great song, makes me wanna start dancing everytime i hear it xD
3.Limp Bizkit - behind blue eyes - reminds me of me, and the way no one knows what its like to be me.
'no one know whats its like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies' , ' no ones knows what its like to feel these feelings like i do'
4.Red hot chili peppers - californication - it just describes the fakeness of our modern world - in one word - ace!
5.Elvis Presley - Can't help falling in love with you - 'but i can't help falling in love with you' - says it all lol. + i love singing it hehe
6. Avril Lavigne - complicated - lovely song, and lovely double irony - she tells of the guy for pretending he acts like other people, whilst in my case, choosing NOT to be like other people would be suicidal =/
7.The dresden Dolls - Delilah - sad song about a sad life, enough said. Even though its weird, its so sad that you have to hear it.
8.Enrique Iglesias - Do you know - lovely song and hes got a great voice.
9.No doubt - Don't speak - "i really feel that im loosing my best firend i cant belive this cud be the nd, it looks as though ure letting go and if its real then i dnt wanna know" - describes what happened in my life so many times its weird
10. James blunt - goodbye my lover - such a sad song, such a great song.
11.Fountains of wayne - hackensack "I used to know you when we were young, you were in all my dream". Beautiful song, I wonder if thats what ill be thinking about someone in a few years...
12.The dresden dolls - Half Jack - like all dresden doll songs, its weird and sad, but i think its great. "
13.Flobots - Handlebars - i only just found this song, ima have to check out more of their songs... A song about making it in life, and being able to do stuff. Inspirational.
14.The beatles - Help! - good song, i guess it applies to me ('help i need somebody, help! not just anybody')
15.Plain white Ts - hey there delilah - luv all the their songs, but this one most xD "dont you worry bout the distance" - a few of my friends are elsewhere in europe sadly =/
16.Eagles - hotel california - classic, so simple, so beautiful
17.Iglu and Hartly - In this city "and i found that round here in this city that i wont dissapear in this city, i got nothing to fear in this city" after i wrote about relativism and a gay/bi hangout place, i was amazed how closely this song fits in.
18.John Lennon - Imagine - Just listen to it, you'll understand.
19.The Coral - Jackqueline - such a beautiful song, so rhythmical and nice... 'its a crying shame to see a kiss become a memory"
20. james blunt - your beautiful - "i think i saw an angel"
21.One night only - just for tonight - they got amazing voices, and its about getting away. Perfect.
22.Pdiidy ft. Keisha Cole - Last night - one of the few hip-hop songs i like, this one (for a change) isnt about being gangsta, and means a lot to me.
23.The beatles - Lucy in the sky with diamonds - this song caused a lot of controversy when it came out apparently, cos it was a reference to LSD (its a drug if u didnt know). I luv it - it lets me float away, and go to a different realm.
24. Mercenaries 2 Soundtrack (its a game) - Oh no you didnt - such a funny combination of silly lyrics, hip-hop, piano and great sining talent. Must listen!
25. Metallica - nothing else matters "so close no matter how far couldnt be much more from the heart" - fits into my life perfectly
26.Micheal hunter - soviet connection - its a song from GTA IV, there are no lyrics, but i think its really amazing
27. Usher - moving mountains - so emotional, its a song about how hard love and maintaining it can be - need i say more?
28.The kooks - naive "im not sayin it was your fault although you could have done more" - ever lost a close friend?
29.The streets - never went to church - great song that i love to listen to when i feel let down...
30.Nightwish - Phantom of the opera - a hard rock remake of the classic, sometimes i feel like im the phantom :S
31.Nelly - over and over again - its a song about being sad abou the person u love being with someone else. Says it all.
32. Red hot chilli peppers - dani california - good song das all
33.Fountains of wayne - sink to the bottom - "i wanna sink to the bottom with you" lol wish i cud quote the whole song but wud take too long... I feel like sininging it to some people...
34.Fountains of Wayne - Someone to love - "When its late and its hot and an hour in the shower the best that you got dont give out, dont give up, cos one of these nights you might find someone to love" - Thats what i keep telling myself anyway :X
35. Sting and the Police - Roxanne - a good classic, guys got an zamaing voice and fun to sing...
36.One republic - Stop and stare "you start to wonder why youre here not there" - a lot of it applies to my life, u work it out...
37. eminem - superman - this is eminem at his best. I think his skill is simply amazing, has a special meaning for me
38.palin white ts - take me away - love love love this song
39.Enrique iglesias - tired of being sorry "maube you were right, maybe i was lonely" really good song
40.Linkin park ft Bust rhymes - together we made it - a song about making it to the end, helped keep me going sometimes
41. Avril Lavigne - when youre gone - so sad, good if ure missing some1
42.the Beatles - while my guitar gently weeps - "i look at you all see the love there that sleeping" - maybe people can accept me?
Well, thats all for now. Also, these are not in any order - i just put em down when i thought of em... And no, theyre not the only songs i have on my ipod, but these are my top choices =] Musoc says a lot about people and maybe by having this list you can understand me more...
1.Fountains of Wayne - All kinds of time
This song is so peacefull and serene i jsut luv it =] It means a lot to me cos I sometimes feel like i got all kinds of time to try nd figure myself out, and yet i cant do it.
2.Beatles - Twist and shout - just such a great song, makes me wanna start dancing everytime i hear it xD
3.Limp Bizkit - behind blue eyes - reminds me of me, and the way no one knows what its like to be me.
'no one know whats its like to be hated, to be fated to telling only lies' , ' no ones knows what its like to feel these feelings like i do'
4.Red hot chili peppers - californication - it just describes the fakeness of our modern world - in one word - ace!
5.Elvis Presley - Can't help falling in love with you - 'but i can't help falling in love with you' - says it all lol. + i love singing it hehe
6. Avril Lavigne - complicated - lovely song, and lovely double irony - she tells of the guy for pretending he acts like other people, whilst in my case, choosing NOT to be like other people would be suicidal =/
7.The dresden Dolls - Delilah - sad song about a sad life, enough said. Even though its weird, its so sad that you have to hear it.
8.Enrique Iglesias - Do you know - lovely song and hes got a great voice.
9.No doubt - Don't speak - "i really feel that im loosing my best firend i cant belive this cud be the nd, it looks as though ure letting go and if its real then i dnt wanna know" - describes what happened in my life so many times its weird
10. James blunt - goodbye my lover - such a sad song, such a great song.
11.Fountains of wayne - hackensack "I used to know you when we were young, you were in all my dream". Beautiful song, I wonder if thats what ill be thinking about someone in a few years...
12.The dresden dolls - Half Jack - like all dresden doll songs, its weird and sad, but i think its great. "
13.Flobots - Handlebars - i only just found this song, ima have to check out more of their songs... A song about making it in life, and being able to do stuff. Inspirational.
14.The beatles - Help! - good song, i guess it applies to me ('help i need somebody, help! not just anybody')
15.Plain white Ts - hey there delilah - luv all the their songs, but this one most xD "dont you worry bout the distance" - a few of my friends are elsewhere in europe sadly =/
16.Eagles - hotel california - classic, so simple, so beautiful
17.Iglu and Hartly - In this city "and i found that round here in this city that i wont dissapear in this city, i got nothing to fear in this city" after i wrote about relativism and a gay/bi hangout place, i was amazed how closely this song fits in.
18.John Lennon - Imagine - Just listen to it, you'll understand.
19.The Coral - Jackqueline - such a beautiful song, so rhythmical and nice... 'its a crying shame to see a kiss become a memory"
20. james blunt - your beautiful - "i think i saw an angel"
21.One night only - just for tonight - they got amazing voices, and its about getting away. Perfect.
22.Pdiidy ft. Keisha Cole - Last night - one of the few hip-hop songs i like, this one (for a change) isnt about being gangsta, and means a lot to me.
23.The beatles - Lucy in the sky with diamonds - this song caused a lot of controversy when it came out apparently, cos it was a reference to LSD (its a drug if u didnt know). I luv it - it lets me float away, and go to a different realm.
24. Mercenaries 2 Soundtrack (its a game) - Oh no you didnt - such a funny combination of silly lyrics, hip-hop, piano and great sining talent. Must listen!
25. Metallica - nothing else matters "so close no matter how far couldnt be much more from the heart" - fits into my life perfectly
26.Micheal hunter - soviet connection - its a song from GTA IV, there are no lyrics, but i think its really amazing
27. Usher - moving mountains - so emotional, its a song about how hard love and maintaining it can be - need i say more?
28.The kooks - naive "im not sayin it was your fault although you could have done more" - ever lost a close friend?
29.The streets - never went to church - great song that i love to listen to when i feel let down...
30.Nightwish - Phantom of the opera - a hard rock remake of the classic, sometimes i feel like im the phantom :S
31.Nelly - over and over again - its a song about being sad abou the person u love being with someone else. Says it all.
32. Red hot chilli peppers - dani california - good song das all
33.Fountains of wayne - sink to the bottom - "i wanna sink to the bottom with you" lol wish i cud quote the whole song but wud take too long... I feel like sininging it to some people...
34.Fountains of Wayne - Someone to love - "When its late and its hot and an hour in the shower the best that you got dont give out, dont give up, cos one of these nights you might find someone to love" - Thats what i keep telling myself anyway :X
35. Sting and the Police - Roxanne - a good classic, guys got an zamaing voice and fun to sing...
36.One republic - Stop and stare "you start to wonder why youre here not there" - a lot of it applies to my life, u work it out...
37. eminem - superman - this is eminem at his best. I think his skill is simply amazing, has a special meaning for me
38.palin white ts - take me away - love love love this song
39.Enrique iglesias - tired of being sorry "maube you were right, maybe i was lonely" really good song
40.Linkin park ft Bust rhymes - together we made it - a song about making it to the end, helped keep me going sometimes
41. Avril Lavigne - when youre gone - so sad, good if ure missing some1
42.the Beatles - while my guitar gently weeps - "i look at you all see the love there that sleeping" - maybe people can accept me?
Well, thats all for now. Also, these are not in any order - i just put em down when i thought of em... And no, theyre not the only songs i have on my ipod, but these are my top choices =] Musoc says a lot about people and maybe by having this list you can understand me more...
Thursday, 18 September 2008
Thoughts about porn
Today I've decided to write a bit about porn, seeing as its impacted my life a lot. If youre only getting into it, hopefully i can make you realise what it can do to you. Umm most of it is writeen in the past tense, dats cos of multiple edits i kept on making - but this is still continuing.
What happened was really self-destruction. It started of innocent, like with everything. For me it was seeing porn first (although i had no real idea about its true meaning then - i didnt even know how to masturbate). Then once I started wanking it seemed to be the best thing in the world - being able to reach a state of complete happiness and exhaustion was an immense experience. But soon, that was not enough on its own. and so at the age of 12, i started to watch porn to 'highten' my experience - just wanking wasnt enough. It soon got to a stage where id be masturbating 3-4 times a day, sometimes more. And i was still looking for something new, something to make the experience more exciting i guess. Thats where gay porn came in. At first i just laughed and took it as a joke - im not gay i said - im just looking for new kinds of porn. And everytime id wank over porn, any type, id feel a bit guilty afterwards - like i knew i shudnt have done it. Trouble was i was going through a hard time at school at the time - being quite small i was often picked on etc. And so porn and wanking became the main thing that kept me going. I knew it wasnt good in a moral sense, but i thought i could control it. And i guess taht were it not for porn and maybe a few close friends, i wouldnt be here today - at times i was ready to give up and take the easy option out. Funny thing was that the only thing that kept me going was actually making me feel worse - id sometimes think of myself as of a sad, lone pron-addict. Anyways, after a while, i was able to sort school out, but the porn remained an important part of my life.
Shortly after i changed schools, from a co-educational to an all boys school. Which, as you can imagine made things a lot worse for obvious reasons - it made me realise how much i hated being what i was. I didnt want to feel the things i was feeling - and i guess sometimes i still dont - but theres not much i can do. And so i continued to live my double life, pretending to be normal at school, and doing what i always did at home. Anyways, after about a year at this new school, i got a psp (ironically it was a present) - that opened up whole new porn watching possibilites - i could download images onto a device which i could have hidden, on a device noone would think to check. As you can imagine the porn saga only grew along with the wanking =/ Literally it would be a couple of times a day. See the worst bit of it was and still is that i still havent really decided if im actually gay or bi - and i keep telling myself that maybe im not, and that maybe ill grow out of it, maybe ill be normal like everyone else.
Since then things havent really changed much - I still wank a lot, i still fantacise about things i perhaps shouldnt, i still watch porn, and i still keep telling myself that i can sort myself out. Only now I have the courage to speak out, even if just only on a blog, and share my experinces. I hope that no-one else has to go through what im going through. If you are however, or have experienced simialr things, speak out youre not alone!
What happened was really self-destruction. It started of innocent, like with everything. For me it was seeing porn first (although i had no real idea about its true meaning then - i didnt even know how to masturbate). Then once I started wanking it seemed to be the best thing in the world - being able to reach a state of complete happiness and exhaustion was an immense experience. But soon, that was not enough on its own. and so at the age of 12, i started to watch porn to 'highten' my experience - just wanking wasnt enough. It soon got to a stage where id be masturbating 3-4 times a day, sometimes more. And i was still looking for something new, something to make the experience more exciting i guess. Thats where gay porn came in. At first i just laughed and took it as a joke - im not gay i said - im just looking for new kinds of porn. And everytime id wank over porn, any type, id feel a bit guilty afterwards - like i knew i shudnt have done it. Trouble was i was going through a hard time at school at the time - being quite small i was often picked on etc. And so porn and wanking became the main thing that kept me going. I knew it wasnt good in a moral sense, but i thought i could control it. And i guess taht were it not for porn and maybe a few close friends, i wouldnt be here today - at times i was ready to give up and take the easy option out. Funny thing was that the only thing that kept me going was actually making me feel worse - id sometimes think of myself as of a sad, lone pron-addict. Anyways, after a while, i was able to sort school out, but the porn remained an important part of my life.
Shortly after i changed schools, from a co-educational to an all boys school. Which, as you can imagine made things a lot worse for obvious reasons - it made me realise how much i hated being what i was. I didnt want to feel the things i was feeling - and i guess sometimes i still dont - but theres not much i can do. And so i continued to live my double life, pretending to be normal at school, and doing what i always did at home. Anyways, after about a year at this new school, i got a psp (ironically it was a present) - that opened up whole new porn watching possibilites - i could download images onto a device which i could have hidden, on a device noone would think to check. As you can imagine the porn saga only grew along with the wanking =/ Literally it would be a couple of times a day. See the worst bit of it was and still is that i still havent really decided if im actually gay or bi - and i keep telling myself that maybe im not, and that maybe ill grow out of it, maybe ill be normal like everyone else.
Since then things havent really changed much - I still wank a lot, i still fantacise about things i perhaps shouldnt, i still watch porn, and i still keep telling myself that i can sort myself out. Only now I have the courage to speak out, even if just only on a blog, and share my experinces. I hope that no-one else has to go through what im going through. If you are however, or have experienced simialr things, speak out youre not alone!
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Relativism
Today in school i stumbled across this thing called relativism. I think that its a very interesting viewpoint, and so Ill just babble on about it for a bit.
Relativism originates from ancient Greece, and was started by a group of philosophers known as Sophists. They argued that all morality was relative (hence the term relativism), and that the sence of whats wrong and whats right varied from place to place, from time to time and from person to person. Perhaps the essence of relativism is found in Protagoras' famous saying 'Man is the measure of all things'.
Cultural relativism is simply the idea that the moral code of people varies from culture to culture. What we may regard as right someone else may find completely wrong and vice versa. This is called the diversity thesis - because of the diversity across and within cultures here can be no one true morality. Ina famous example, the King o Persia asked the Greeks and the Callatians to swap their funeral practices (the greeks burnt ttheir dead, the Callatians burried them). It turned out that neither the Greeks or the Callatians were ready to accept the other cultures' funeral practice as they saw it as being wrong.
Which brings me onto why i chose to write about this in my blog. See, in out current word so many things are deemed as unnacepteable. Adultery, murder, stealing etc. These absolutes, ie. rules have been forced upon us ever since we were children. We accept them as being right simply because weve been taught so. But are there perhaps situations where these rules dont apply? Would a mother stealing to feed her chld be doing a bad thing? Would killing someone in self-defence be wrong? What about commiting adultery as a result of blackmail? Perhaps these examples are on the extreme side, but they show a weakness of the rules of our socity - it assumes that when doing these things, one's intention is always wrong and that the consequences and always bad.
That short little explanation was just to show you the angle that im coming from. Lets face it - our society regards homosexuality as wrong, bad, ugly and even disguisting. People love telling gay jokes, or making fun of the way they act or behave. The word 'gay' in inteslf has become a synonym for shit, bad, stupid, fucked up, wrong, you name it. That new phones is gay, that footballers playing style is gay, gay, gay, gay. Which is why relativism interested me. It gives people with different idealogies the chance to set their own moral code, based solely on their set of beliefs and values. It leads to a kind of peacefull acceptance between different viewpoints - if people are allowed to do what they want theyll learn to stay out of each others way. Of course a major weakness of relativism is that different viewpoints may go directly against each other e.g The catholic church against homeosexuality etc.
My 'idea' would be to create a getaway place for gay or bi teenagers to meet-up etc. It would be a place only for us with no outside interference. we'd be able to share our thoughts and feelings (which we clearly need - thats the main reason we crate blogs). We could feel safe and accepted withouth having to worry about being seen/caught. Of course, having some rules would be unavoidable - we couldnt allow nom-teenagers as that could cause safety hazards for the youngrer ones etc. But it would be a step forward. The problem is few people accept the existance of bi or gay teenagers. In fact, some time back on TV, there was a programme which assured that homosexuality was something comparable to a diesease, and that you were born with it.
From my personal experience I know that isnt true. Even thinking about coming out makes me stop thinking about it. I know i wouldnt be accepted in my school, by ost of my freinds even my family. But why? What is it thats so wrong about it? I guess that people will say 'oh its simply wrong'. Yet how can they say so if theyve never experienced it? Our modern world belives in freedom, and were all expected to be straight,yet without ever experiencing homosexuality or bisexuality how can we decide being staright is the right thing for us? Other poeple will give religion as the reason. Yet where in the bible does it say homosexuality is wrong? Does Jesus not teach that love is most important? However, both religious leaders as well as the media fail to accept our arguments. I hope, that one day, the church will look back and see that what theyre saying has been wrong. That, people will realise homofobia is in fact a form of witchunting. We say weve moved on - weve given black people freedom, women better standards of life, stopped witchhunts etc. BUt is it so? Can we really say were no longer the same barbaric people we were a few hundred years ago? What im wondering is how long can people keep running away from the truth about having a different sexual oreintaion? When will there come a point when well be treated normally, not as aliens but as people?
It is this negativity and even hostility towards us that has forced so many fo us, including me to be secretive about our beliefs, which only worsens the problem. There are things wed like to try (not neccesserarily of a sexual nature), or say, but were forced to stay hidden and pretend were normal. Its like being inside a glass cage - you can see others, observe others, and yet you dont have full freedom.
Ok, so there you have it - some of my views and beliefs. I understand that you may not agree with them, but at least try to understand them. Im looking forward to hearing your opinions about all of this.
Relativism originates from ancient Greece, and was started by a group of philosophers known as Sophists. They argued that all morality was relative (hence the term relativism), and that the sence of whats wrong and whats right varied from place to place, from time to time and from person to person. Perhaps the essence of relativism is found in Protagoras' famous saying 'Man is the measure of all things'.
Cultural relativism is simply the idea that the moral code of people varies from culture to culture. What we may regard as right someone else may find completely wrong and vice versa. This is called the diversity thesis - because of the diversity across and within cultures here can be no one true morality. Ina famous example, the King o Persia asked the Greeks and the Callatians to swap their funeral practices (the greeks burnt ttheir dead, the Callatians burried them). It turned out that neither the Greeks or the Callatians were ready to accept the other cultures' funeral practice as they saw it as being wrong.
Which brings me onto why i chose to write about this in my blog. See, in out current word so many things are deemed as unnacepteable. Adultery, murder, stealing etc. These absolutes, ie. rules have been forced upon us ever since we were children. We accept them as being right simply because weve been taught so. But are there perhaps situations where these rules dont apply? Would a mother stealing to feed her chld be doing a bad thing? Would killing someone in self-defence be wrong? What about commiting adultery as a result of blackmail? Perhaps these examples are on the extreme side, but they show a weakness of the rules of our socity - it assumes that when doing these things, one's intention is always wrong and that the consequences and always bad.
That short little explanation was just to show you the angle that im coming from. Lets face it - our society regards homosexuality as wrong, bad, ugly and even disguisting. People love telling gay jokes, or making fun of the way they act or behave. The word 'gay' in inteslf has become a synonym for shit, bad, stupid, fucked up, wrong, you name it. That new phones is gay, that footballers playing style is gay, gay, gay, gay. Which is why relativism interested me. It gives people with different idealogies the chance to set their own moral code, based solely on their set of beliefs and values. It leads to a kind of peacefull acceptance between different viewpoints - if people are allowed to do what they want theyll learn to stay out of each others way. Of course a major weakness of relativism is that different viewpoints may go directly against each other e.g The catholic church against homeosexuality etc.
My 'idea' would be to create a getaway place for gay or bi teenagers to meet-up etc. It would be a place only for us with no outside interference. we'd be able to share our thoughts and feelings (which we clearly need - thats the main reason we crate blogs). We could feel safe and accepted withouth having to worry about being seen/caught. Of course, having some rules would be unavoidable - we couldnt allow nom-teenagers as that could cause safety hazards for the youngrer ones etc. But it would be a step forward. The problem is few people accept the existance of bi or gay teenagers. In fact, some time back on TV, there was a programme which assured that homosexuality was something comparable to a diesease, and that you were born with it.
From my personal experience I know that isnt true. Even thinking about coming out makes me stop thinking about it. I know i wouldnt be accepted in my school, by ost of my freinds even my family. But why? What is it thats so wrong about it? I guess that people will say 'oh its simply wrong'. Yet how can they say so if theyve never experienced it? Our modern world belives in freedom, and were all expected to be straight,yet without ever experiencing homosexuality or bisexuality how can we decide being staright is the right thing for us? Other poeple will give religion as the reason. Yet where in the bible does it say homosexuality is wrong? Does Jesus not teach that love is most important? However, both religious leaders as well as the media fail to accept our arguments. I hope, that one day, the church will look back and see that what theyre saying has been wrong. That, people will realise homofobia is in fact a form of witchunting. We say weve moved on - weve given black people freedom, women better standards of life, stopped witchhunts etc. BUt is it so? Can we really say were no longer the same barbaric people we were a few hundred years ago? What im wondering is how long can people keep running away from the truth about having a different sexual oreintaion? When will there come a point when well be treated normally, not as aliens but as people?
It is this negativity and even hostility towards us that has forced so many fo us, including me to be secretive about our beliefs, which only worsens the problem. There are things wed like to try (not neccesserarily of a sexual nature), or say, but were forced to stay hidden and pretend were normal. Its like being inside a glass cage - you can see others, observe others, and yet you dont have full freedom.
Ok, so there you have it - some of my views and beliefs. I understand that you may not agree with them, but at least try to understand them. Im looking forward to hearing your opinions about all of this.
A bit about me...
Well im a 17 year old boy who lives in London. I guess i shouldn't complain about my life - im not poor, i go to a decent enough school etc. See the problem is that for some reason I dont really fit in. Now, i'm not saying that im a weirdo or a neek. In fact if you saw me in school or on a street
you wouldn't have noticed anything weird about me. Thats because its inside me.
Trouble is, I dont know what IT is exactly. Its a bit of being bi i guess, but i cant even be sure about that. Its a bit of inner lonelyness, a bit of sadness/frustration and a bit of confusion. All i know is that not knowing exactly who you are or what youre capable of is a bit scary =/ Even more scary/weird is the fact that i cant share any of this with anyone i know in person - they'd either laugh nervously and say 'seek help' or made fun of me. Which is why I decided to start blogging here. This will be my little fortress that no one can penetrate, and yet it will allow me to come to terms with who i am, and hopefully get some advice about wht i should do.
Not being able to figure myself out is the most frustrating thing i've ever encountered. The fact that I can't for quite obvious reasons share my concerns with anyone makes it even worse. Its made my life unbereable at times - and, surpirse, surprise that was blamed on me growing up and being a teenager. Only i know thats not what it is. I guess its me sseeking the truth about myself, and what i want to belive in.
you wouldn't have noticed anything weird about me. Thats because its inside me.
Trouble is, I dont know what IT is exactly. Its a bit of being bi i guess, but i cant even be sure about that. Its a bit of inner lonelyness, a bit of sadness/frustration and a bit of confusion. All i know is that not knowing exactly who you are or what youre capable of is a bit scary =/ Even more scary/weird is the fact that i cant share any of this with anyone i know in person - they'd either laugh nervously and say 'seek help' or made fun of me. Which is why I decided to start blogging here. This will be my little fortress that no one can penetrate, and yet it will allow me to come to terms with who i am, and hopefully get some advice about wht i should do.
Not being able to figure myself out is the most frustrating thing i've ever encountered. The fact that I can't for quite obvious reasons share my concerns with anyone makes it even worse. Its made my life unbereable at times - and, surpirse, surprise that was blamed on me growing up and being a teenager. Only i know thats not what it is. I guess its me sseeking the truth about myself, and what i want to belive in.
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