When i woke up today, i started thinking about myelf and stuff. And then this thought crossed my mind - how do i know that im actually gay/bi? And after quite some time i realised that this question is quite a problem.
First i considered the varaint that im not gay/bi. Ok, so why would i be having some of the thoughts that im having? Then i realised it could be a) because of the type of pron tht ive been watching and b) because of my closest enviroment (an all boys school) and c)because of lonelyness
So to make things simple, i start watching gay porn, then i get moved into an enviroment that is closely connected with that type of porn and so i feel weird and lonely not wanting what i shud do.
Then i though what if im actually gay. BUt how can i know? I havent been in a relationship with a guy (at least he wasnt aware of it), and ive never kissed a guy etc. So what makes me think im gay? Surely, if i go and start kissing guys and getting involved just to find out, my mind will end up accepting that as normal (like what happened with the porn). I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do if ure unsure about ure sexuality is to get involved with some1 of the same sex.
Which made me consider my options.
a) I could continue telling myself im gay/bi , and end up in a relationship that i wasnt fully approving of, and actually end up being gay
b)continue living my double life, remaining 'hidden' and thus not allowing myself to get involved with either boys or girls, leaving me even more lonely.
c)Drop the gay/bi mindset and just find someone i can really relate to, and yes im thinking of a girl.
Why? because maybe im not bi/gay - maybe im just a very lonely person, who needs someone next to him.
Then i also considered how easy/difficult it would be to do each of the above, and how the easyness/difficulty of it would affect my life.
a) Finding a boy that i would really find attractive and whod be gay also would be extremely hard. If i tried the easy option and just went for anyone, it would be a relationship for the sake of it, which would be pointless. Theres also no guarantee that i wouldnt get involved with some fuck-up who'd just want to use me.
b)Being secretive is hard too - i know cos ive been doing it for quite a while now. Not only is it hard, it also makes me feel like shit sometimes and has left me seriously considering suicide several times.
c)Fidning a girl thats also looking for a long-time relationship will be hard but: it would help me sort myself out, would give me a kind of moral support and let me forget. It would be very unlikely that a girl would try to use me lol.
Ok so as uve probably noticed im going for option c). Why? Because im not sure what i really am, but if i made the mistake of trying to find out in a practical way (and probably the only one available, actually) i would have to stick to that choice, whether i liked it or not.
What this thinking has made me realise is that the real problem in our society might not actually be the lack of acceptance for gay/bi/different people. No, not at all. What i think is the issue is the modern mindset. What were all lacking is love. Hes gone nuts, i can hear you say. Well think about it.
I think that the lack of people actually wanting love is the main problem were facing. It is so often the case that all teenagers seek these days is to have sex or to get off with someone. And no im not saying i havent done it, or that i think its bad. What im saying is that perhaps somewhere along the line weve lost the knowledge of what we actually need.
Im mean sure, yeah getting laid is nice, as is snogging etc. BUt that only satisfies the physical side of us, and our lust, a primary and almost animal-like instinct. From my own experience i know that when i was youger, sex was the only think i coulve wanted. I thought that when the time would come, id do it no matter what. But you know what? When the time came, i was scared, literally scared not knowing what to do. In the end i decided not to have full intercourse, simply because i knew that i wouldve felt bad about it/ i wasnt ready. And even aftre snogging/getting a hj/bj i felt a bit bad. I mean, yeah sure it was nice, but something was missing. That somethng was love. You see, thats because my relationship with that girl was not based on love - it was ll pretence.
Oh and btw i might have shocked you by saying it was a girl.. Sowwy didnt mean to. BUt truth be told, its not like i find girls unatractive. And yes, i do like em, which only made my problemns worse lol.
Anyways, back to the subject. Nowadays, modern teenagers are so used to basing realtionships on sex/lust that they accept it as normal. To be completely honest i think that wrong. I thought that sex should be a follow on of love and not vice versa. Because of this mindest, teenagers are only looking for sex. Thats why its so hard to get into a proper longer realtionship, and thats why we feel so lonely sometimes. Its because theres no-one out there whos looking for the same thing as i am. When i do get in a relationship i can say that i wont be in it for sex. I need someone to talk to, someone whod share my interests, someone whod care. Not someone who wants to be with me only cos im fit, or because my clothes are nice. Someone wholl actually love me because of who i am, nto because of what i represent.
Anyways, this is no way finished - i ve still got lots to think about, and ill keep posting so dw. Ive only touched upon the idea of the lack of love - i think that by fully exploring that i might be able to find out more about who i am and what i need. And sorry to dissapoint all o those who were hoping for an easy bang :X
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4 comments:
after reading all that you wrote.. My question is simple..
What's so hard about saying, "I'm Bi".
I think that you want so bad not to be that way, that you are over analyzing it to the point it becomes something way more complicated than it is.
Completely straight people do not find gay porn attractive or a turn on, and defiantly do not jerk off to it.
My opinion, yer putting way to much thought into it, and not paying enough attention to how you really feel inside.
Ask yerself, do i find guys attractive, if the answer is yes, then ask yer self do i find girls attractive,( u said u do) if the answer is yes, then it's simple, yer bi. Don't make it into some huge fiasco.
Just let it be.
I think Jason is right. Although, i totally understand you needing/wanting to figure out for urself how u feel. I'm still not sure where I stand...so believe me i feel for ya. I think a relationship should be something super special too. I think sex should be a reward-a way of showing u truly trust and care about each other.
Don't over-think ur situation. Sit down and ask yourself how you feel about people. I try not to think of myself as gay or bi- but more like someone who cares about everyone. cheesy? yes. But its how i feel.
Anyways, good luck man, let me kno if i can help at all.
-Landyn
Just don't stress over it, whatever happens...happens. I was going through the same thing as you and rushed into a relationship with a girl thinking it was what I wanted. In the end it just made my life a lot more fucked up!! Just have fun don't let anything hold you back. - mat
I spent the better part of 2-3 years of my undergrad years figuring out the question you posited, and I thought up the same scenarios on how to sort myself out.
But in the end, I figured I'd start with "I'm bi" and go from there. If possible, I'd like to try having a relationship with both genders and see how things go. I know I'm not straight, but hey, right now I can't discount the possibility that I'm gay.
But for me, there's only one way to know. Yeah, I find a lot of girls attractive too (and guys of course :P). So I've been there, thought that. I'm trying to move on to the next phase - doing something. It's a bit harder than I thought. T.T
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