Today I've decided to write a bit about porn, seeing as its impacted my life a lot. If youre only getting into it, hopefully i can make you realise what it can do to you. Umm most of it is writeen in the past tense, dats cos of multiple edits i kept on making - but this is still continuing.
What happened was really self-destruction. It started of innocent, like with everything. For me it was seeing porn first (although i had no real idea about its true meaning then - i didnt even know how to masturbate). Then once I started wanking it seemed to be the best thing in the world - being able to reach a state of complete happiness and exhaustion was an immense experience. But soon, that was not enough on its own. and so at the age of 12, i started to watch porn to 'highten' my experience - just wanking wasnt enough. It soon got to a stage where id be masturbating 3-4 times a day, sometimes more. And i was still looking for something new, something to make the experience more exciting i guess. Thats where gay porn came in. At first i just laughed and took it as a joke - im not gay i said - im just looking for new kinds of porn. And everytime id wank over porn, any type, id feel a bit guilty afterwards - like i knew i shudnt have done it. Trouble was i was going through a hard time at school at the time - being quite small i was often picked on etc. And so porn and wanking became the main thing that kept me going. I knew it wasnt good in a moral sense, but i thought i could control it. And i guess taht were it not for porn and maybe a few close friends, i wouldnt be here today - at times i was ready to give up and take the easy option out. Funny thing was that the only thing that kept me going was actually making me feel worse - id sometimes think of myself as of a sad, lone pron-addict. Anyways, after a while, i was able to sort school out, but the porn remained an important part of my life.
Shortly after i changed schools, from a co-educational to an all boys school. Which, as you can imagine made things a lot worse for obvious reasons - it made me realise how much i hated being what i was. I didnt want to feel the things i was feeling - and i guess sometimes i still dont - but theres not much i can do. And so i continued to live my double life, pretending to be normal at school, and doing what i always did at home. Anyways, after about a year at this new school, i got a psp (ironically it was a present) - that opened up whole new porn watching possibilites - i could download images onto a device which i could have hidden, on a device noone would think to check. As you can imagine the porn saga only grew along with the wanking =/ Literally it would be a couple of times a day. See the worst bit of it was and still is that i still havent really decided if im actually gay or bi - and i keep telling myself that maybe im not, and that maybe ill grow out of it, maybe ill be normal like everyone else.
Since then things havent really changed much - I still wank a lot, i still fantacise about things i perhaps shouldnt, i still watch porn, and i still keep telling myself that i can sort myself out. Only now I have the courage to speak out, even if just only on a blog, and share my experinces. I hope that no-one else has to go through what im going through. If you are however, or have experienced simialr things, speak out youre not alone!
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5 comments:
Dude, I love reading this stuff....because its just like reading my own life experiences.
How i got into porn was a similar thing. I don't look at it often (maybe once a week, just a picture or 2) but I understand how you feel.
"wanking" (i still have trouble calling it that haha) has always been like a steady thing in my unpredictable life. If i dont do it for a long time, i get angry, frustrated easier, and not as nice of a person. I wish i had someone else in my life that was a special person to me, but I guess I will just have to wait...
I can't tell you "stay away from porn" but i would suggest maybe to cut back, and realize that one day, when you find someone you love, you won't wanna be stuck watching porn.
I am just as confused inside as you are, and you have my support and best wishes man. Its nice to hear someone as honest as you in the fake world we live in.
-Landyn :)
What you've written is familiar to me, too.
Trouble at school and this enjoying way out of it.
But I kind of have to admit what Landyn said. Watching porn everywhere may be technically possible, but I would suggest not to do it. Sure it is nice being able to do that but I would limit it, as Landyn said, too. Only at the PC or something. Wanking often is something I don't see so critical. My opinion is that you can wank so often (and (limited) where) you want. But if you are always watching porn how will you able to step back to real life, if you got a (boy/girl)friend?
I kind of exaggerate, I know, but all I want to say is not to loose sense for the real life.
Now you would say, I can talk much, but I know that case, so please don't get me wrong for that.
All the best for you
Yours P.
I am much older than you - and still confused! I have been where you are now, and probably suffered all the angst that faces you now. I have loved, lost, found it again and lost it. Suffered loneliness and fleeting moments of absolute joy. The search for resolution is what keeps me going. I look forward to reading your blog - and you have inspired me to post again on mine. I will send you a link when I have. Just don't give up XD
gurney x
hehe, a subject about porn is quite interesting nd courageous cos many pple dont dare talk about it though they like it :).
a boy i know has told me he once has caught his father who was masturbating in front of a porn movie at night nd he was kinda astonished nd shocked nd thought it was awfully disgusting cos it was his father who is usually so grave nd harsh nd mental about morality. so i think porn is a fascinating stuff for a lot of pple, u know.
as for me, i like porn bt i dont rlly need it to get horny or to increase sexual stuff. all is always better in my mind cos i have a good imagination lol. then pics nd vids are always the same on porn sites at the end nd i think its boring when u watch it a lot. bt maybe i dunno the best sites lol.
maybe porn can become an addiction like alcohol or drugs (or some pple just cannt stop stealing in shops nd so on). i dunno what u can do if you are trapped in it bt i guess its necessary to find a better substitute, so i hope u cud find love or friendship to change ur mind :).
I don't really have much of an issue with porn (or wanking). I do know that sometimes I want to watch porn too much . . . but the fact that I'm always somewhere where I can't limits that urge significantly. As for wanking, twice a day max (sometimes every other day). Again, depends on how busy and tired I am.
So, if you ever feel like you're doing too much, make yourself busy with something else! :D
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